MAJOR ADVERTISING ANNOUNCEMENT

April 1, 2010 (April Fools Day): Major Consumer Support Vendors Announce Integration Alliance Designed To Enhance Consumer Experiences Across Multiple Channels And Platforms

Executives from six brands today announced an alliance that is expected to revolutionize the way that consumers and brands interact with each other.

The forward-thinking alliance includes leading organizations like Abacus, the offline data compilation organization; Coremetrics, the online data compilation measurement firm; Twitter, the iconic text messaging platform; Quad Graphics, a leading print vendor; Clear Channel, the dominant player in the FM radio business, and SpotXChange, the video re-targeting service.

The alliance, code-named "Harmony", will provide integrated multi-channel solutions to brands hoping to capitalize on the emerging world of what Abacus Vice President of Innovation Lyle Cartryte called "360 degree brand immersion".

Mr. Cartryte continued ... "By combining data, traditional media platforms, and social media, we have the ability to capture both offline and online customer interactions, and then create personalized advertising messages designed to better monetize the customer experience across vendor platforms! In particular, we'll be able to merge our offline data with online data culled from clients who use Coremetrics so that we have a 360 degree view of customer purchase activity, something that is very important to online brands given that 90% of purchases still happen in the antiquated, outdated, unpopular, and inefficient offline world of retail. By integrating offline, online, and social media interactions via Twitter, we believe we'll know more about your spouse than you know. If your spouse buys you flowers on February 13 in an offline retail environment, we will be able to use retargeting technologies from SpotXchange to offer your spouse the opportunity to purchase chocolates, make dinner reservations, or fill prescriptions, all of which significantly benefit you, the loving spouse while creating monetization opportunities for brands participating in 'Harmony'. Best of all, the alliance allows us to use print technology from Quad Graphics to deliver personalized, relevant, anticipated print-based messages, reminding your spouse that Easter is just around the corner. And if your spouse fails to buy an Easter ham, we can use Twitter to target this individual with relevant and anticipated tweets from trusted brands like Safeway. Just imagine a tweet from @safeway that says something like '@dude, OMG, WTH, you forgot to buy a ham, do you want one delivered to your home today?' And then on Easter Sunday, when your spouse tweets to his 37 followers that he forgot to pick up stuffing, we can use video-based retargeting technology to reach this consumer. Honestly, 'Harmony' represents the future of marketing, a beautiful future if I may be so bold. This is the unrealized promise of CRM. Traditional marketing is dead."

Kyle Larson, Vice President of Product Development and Synergies at Twitter, lamented the fact that 'Harmony' represents tight integration between various vendors and Twitter, but celebrated the fact that "... we're finally going to be compensated for our efforts ... seriously compensated!"

EVP Linton Pendleton of Clear Channel, a radio conglomerate and "Harmony" brand partner, believes that FM radio technology will be very complementary to "Harmony", especially when Hologram Marketing becomes a reality in 2014.

Mr. Pendleton said "... we plan on using the 'Jack FM' voice, known and beloved by radio listeners as 'Jack', to be the voice of the Hologram that will eventually deliver advertising messages to consumers via Holograms transmitted via FM radio waves. Listeners know that on 'Jack' radio stations, we 'play what we want'. Consumers will soon learn that in this advertising network called 'Harmony', we will 'advertise what we want', while building an infrastructure that allows us to use offline, online, and social media activity to target highly relevant ads to engaged consumers. It isn't far fetched to think that we can achieve our goal of having a mobile Hologram appear just above your left eye maybe seven dozen times a day, within your line of sight, using the voice of 'Jack' from 'Jack FM' to communicate brand-relevant messages like 'You appear tired, could I access your debit card and have a five hour energy drink delivered to your cubicle ... advertising what we want, Jack FM'. Then, after a suitable "latency period" elapses, like two minutes, the hologram would reappear in a non-obtrusive manner, saying something like 'People who recently tweeted about being hungry and who shopped at a QFC grocery store in the past week love getting coupons in the mail for carryout Chinese food from Safeway. Would you like for me to send you coupons via the mail and then access your debit card so that I can deliver hot 'n sour soup to your cubicle right now to satisfy your hunger, or would you prefer a Snickers Bar? ... advertising what we want, Jack FM ... this message was brought to you by Q13 Fox, where tonight you should watch the next episode of '24' because Jack Bauer discovers a terrorist plot, one where his very television series is canceled, causing him to want to blow up the FCC if his show is truly canceled. That's '24', tonight on Q13 Fox'. As you can see, we will be able to use integrated data across channels, platforms, and technology, to deliver highly relevant and anticipated brand messages that enrich the lives of many consumers via beloved Hologram marketing icons bearing the voice of 'Jack' from 'Jack FM'. And the experience will be fully personalized. You will be able to decide if the hologram appears above your left eye, above your right eye, or right in front of your face. You will be able to adjust the volume of Jack's voice. You will be able to decide if 'Jack' has dark hair, blonde hair, or a simple buzz cut. It's really going to be something! Think about all of the authentic social media conversations that we will be able to analyze, segment, and convert into highly personalized, non-obtrusive brand messages via Hologram marketing?"

Financial details were not disclosed. The transaction is expected to close today, April 1.

Macy's Bans Some E-Commerce Shoppers From Viewing Their Website

April 1, 2008 (Reuters): In a bold move designed to encourage multichannel shopping, Macy's announced today that it will ban prior e-commerce shoppers from purchasing merchandise online for an unspecified period of time.

"Findings from data mining projects made this decision an easy one for us." proclaimed Stacy Miller, Divisional Vice President of Customer Relationship Marketing at Macy's. "Multichannel customers are five times more valuable than single channel customers. From a marketing standpoint, it is critical that we encourage our e-commerce patrons to enjoy all that our stores have to offer."

Using a proprietary set of business rules developed by industry gurus James Taylor and Jim Novo, Macy's CRM division identified web visitors who only shop via the e-commerce channel and live within twenty-five miles of a Macy's store. These visitors are served a blank, white screen, commanding them to shop at a Macy's store. Visitors are automatically entered into a drawing to participate in a special meet and greet with Jessica Simpson, Martha Stewart, and Donald Trump at a Macy's store in Spokane, WA on April 22.

Industry experts appear to be almost universally against this strategy.

Diane Dilsworth, columnist at DMNews, noted that "... the strategy is a desperate attempt to prop up comp store sales in a difficult economic environment." Tim Parry at Multichannel Merchant suggested that Macy's "... focus on their core economic proposition of offering a wide array of brands coupled with enthusiastic and generous discounts and markdowns." Scott Silverman of Shop.org stated that the strategy "... flies in the face of all that is known about providing a true multichannel shopping experience.", theorizing that "... it is possible that Macy's is experiencing challenges serving millions of daily online visitors, using the marketing ploy as a tool to divert traffic away from a struggling website."

Consumers appear to be enthusiastic about the strategy.

Elle Parks, 29, of La Jolla, CA, thought nothing of getting in her car and sitting on a crowded freeway for ninety minutes just to purchase her favorite cosmetics products. "E-commerce is all about convenience, but there is something romantic about battling the crowds to get the best brands at the cheapest prices, followed by an enjoyable smoothie at Jamba Juice"

Felicity Crawford, 44, of White Plains, NY, was drawn to her nearest Macy's store because of the recent television advertising campaign. "Why shop online when it seems like Diddy likes to be in a Macy's store? I want to be where the stars are."

Though Macy's CEO Terry Lundgren would not comment on the record about the promotion, he did express satisfaction with the concept of increasing the value of individual consumers by forcing them to shop in the channel that the brand wanted the customer to shop in.

The marketing blogosphere expressed deep regret over this strategy.

Mack Collier of The Viral Garden Blog, a popular social media website, suggested that "... Macy's stop forcing customers to behave the way the brand wants the customer to behave." Collier believes that engaging in a conversation with consumers is a long-term approach to increased profitability. Jackie Huba at Church Of The Customer mentioned in a twit on Twitter that "... all of Macy's strategies are brand-oriented, seeking to benefit the brand and not the consumer. Consumers should be allowed to shop how they want, where they want, when they want. Nobody should force the consumer to do something that only serves the purpose of increasing shareholder value."

Still, Stacy Miller, DVP of CRM at Macy's, is undaunted in her approach. "We're told that multichannel customers are the best customers. We want as many best customers as possible. Shutting down a website is the easiest way to achieve our objectives while at the same time harvesting satisfied customers. You'd be a fool in April not to believe in such a simple yet elegant strategy."


Note: This post is a work of fiction, written in the spirit of April Fool's Day.